Alex Sparrow and the Zumbie Apocalypse Page 5

  ‘Jess,’ I hissed. ‘Do you know when we get a break?’

  ‘I don’t think we do,’ Jess said.

  ‘But I’m dying.’

  ‘Really?’ Jess sniggered. ‘All the old ladies look OK.’

  I looked around the room. At Mum. At Nanny. At Mrs Spires. They were hardly even sweating. ‘How is that possible?’

  ‘Not as easy as you thought, then?’ Jess said.

  ‘At least I’m actually dancing,’ I said, ‘and not just wobbling around like a sleep-walking penguin.’ I’d looked over at her quite a few times and Jess was literally the world’s worst dancer.

  ‘Here we go,’ Da’Shon clapped. ‘Let’s take it from the top, and I want to see a lot more hip action in the chorus.’

  ‘Ugh,’ I said. ‘I think I’ve seen enough hip action. I’m going to have to cut out my eyeballs.’

  Jess nearly choked as a laugh spluttered out of her mouth. ‘Your nan puts a lot of enthusiasm into her pelvic thrusts.’

  ‘Stop it,’ I said. ‘I’m not even listening right now.’ And I started the routine again with everyone else.

  ‘Give me a whoop-whoop!’ Da’Shon said, and everyone started joyfully whooping. I may have let out a small whoop myself.

  ‘Eileen, you are on point today. Now give me the Da’Shon shimmy.’ Da’Shon started shaking his shoulders, and I watched him closely rather than looking at the jiggling again.

  Everything was going great, and then Eileen, who was in the row in front of me, suddenly stumbled. At first I thought she’d tripped, but she fell to the ground fast and heavy, with a horrid thump. I couldn’t hear it because the music was so loud, but I felt it through the floor. It made my heart lurch in my chest.

  We all rushed over to her, as the music cut into silence.

  ‘Not again,’ someone said.

  ‘Stand back,’ Da’Shon said, pushing through the crowd. ‘Someone call an ambulance.’

  ‘OMG, Jess,’ I whispered, looking at Eileen who just seconds ago had been twerking with the energy of someone half her age, but was now lying lifeless on the floor. ‘They’re dropping faster than stormtroopers in a blaster battle.’

  6

  Da’Lies

  ‘Get the defibrillator,’ Da’Shon said, while keeping two fingers on Eileen’s neck to check her pulse and his ear to her face to see if she was breathing.

  My mum darted out of the room.

  ‘Who’s The Defibrillator?’ I whispered to Jess. ‘And how is he going to help?’

  ‘It’s not a person, idiot,’ she said. ‘It’s one of those machines that electric shocks people’s hearts to start them back up.’

  ‘Oh, man,’ I said. ‘Is Eileen going to die?’

  Jess didn’t say anything.

  Mum ran in with a silver case, putting it on the floor next to Da’Shon and lifting the clip to open it. Inside was some fancy equipment with wires and a monitor and two flat paddles with handles to hold them. It was like what you see on hospital dramas on the TV where they say, ‘Charging to two hundred. Clear.’ I felt sick.

  But then, for no apparent reason, Eileen jolted and opened her eyes.

  ‘I thought they had to put the paddles on her chest for it to work,’ I said.

  ‘They do,’ Jess frowned. ‘How did she get that shock when nothing was touching her?’

  Eileen sat up, looking a bit confused. ‘They’ve had odour eaters in them all week,’ she said.

  ‘Lie down, Eileen,’ Nanny Sparrow said. ‘You’ve had a turn.’

  They all laid Eileen back down on the floor, with folded-up coats under her head and draped over her to keep her warm. She seemed weirdly fine, arguing with everyone, saying she wanted to get up and back to the routine. By the time the paramedics arrived, she was laughing and joking about the fuss she’d caused and insisting that she’d never felt better. They took her to hospital anyway, just to check her over.

  ‘So our time’s nearly up for today,’ Da’Shon said, once the paramedics had carried Eileen out on a stretcher and into the waiting ambulance. ‘Let’s get back on it next week. And, in the meantime, I want you all to stick to the healthy lifestyle schedules I drew up for you. It’s important.’ He looked around at everyone in the group. ‘Make sure you follow them exactly, including the meal plans.’

  Alan let out a little groan.

  Da’Shon stared at Alan with the intensity of Kylo Ren trying to read someone’s mind. ‘I mean it, Alan. No messing.’

  It seemed a bit over the top. Jess and me gave each other a look.

  ‘For those of you who have signed up to Da’Shon’s Daily Dinners, I will see you this afternoon with some deliciously healthy grub. For those of you who haven’t signed up yet – I strongly suggest you do so A-sap.’

  There was something about the way he said it – such a change from the lighthearted way he’d spoken throughout the class. I needed to ask him some questions.

  ‘Da-Shon,’ I said, as he turned to start packing up the defibrillator.

  ‘Hold on, Alex, I need to take this back to reception.’

  I could see Mrs Spires looking at it like it was the last cake in a shop, but Angel appeared in the doorway and took it before Mrs Spires could pounce. As she grabbed the handle, I noticed she had a tiny tattoo on the inside of one of her fingers.

  ‘Now what can I do for you, my friend?’ Da’Shon said.

  ‘I wanted to know more about your Daily Dinners,’ I said. ‘I was wondering if I should sign up.’

  ‘I think that would have to be your mum’s decision,’ said Da’Shon. ‘And she’s already told me that she cooks healthy meals at home. I tried to persuade her, but she said she loves to cook.’

  ‘What’s so special about them?’ I asked, as innocently as possible.

  ‘Homemade food, calorie-counted, fresh organic ingredients,’ he said.

  ‘And that’s all?’ I said

  ‘That’s all,’ he nodded. And as he did, I felt a rumbling erupt in my ear. Jess was crouching on the floor, taking off Eileen’s trainers. She sniffed and looked up.

  ‘Do you cook all the food yourself?’ I said.

  ‘With my own two hands here in the leisure-centre kitchens,’ he said. ‘I’m not just a pretty face.’

  I really liked Da’Shon. I didn’t want there to be something sinister about him, but as he picked up his sports bag and left, I had a horrible feeling.

  ‘Do you think he’s putting something bad in the food?’ Jess said.

  ‘He’s definitely hiding something. And it’s too much of a coincidence that people in his Zumba classes keep almost dying. We need to find out more about Da’Shon.’

  ‘And we need to see how he makes the dinners.’

  ‘Agent Bob?’ I said.

  ‘Agent Bob,’ Jess nodded.

  Jess came to my house after our shift at the animal sanctuary so that we could work together on Bob. He’d been out on a lot of missions over the past couple of months – we literally couldn’t have managed without him. Unfortunately, the last time he’d helped us, he’d ended up in a muddy puddle. It made him sick for days. We knew it would take a lot to get him out of the shiny new tank he shared with Elle, and back into danger.

  We stood at the breakfast bar close, but not too close, to the tank. Bob didn’t like it when we steamed up his walls with our ‘bacteria-infested human breath’.

  ‘We have a job we’d like you to help us with, Bob,’ Jess said.

  ‘Minimal risk,’ I said.

  ‘We’d need to put you in your jar, which we will clean thoroughly, of course, and hide you in a kitchen in the leisure centre.’

  ‘Minimal risk,’ I said.

  ‘We just want you to watch someone…’

  ‘The target,’ I interrupted, annoyed that Jess wasn’t using the correct spy words.

  ‘We want you to watch…’ Jess made an ‘I’m-refusing-to-use-your-stupid-word’ face, ‘…him, make some dinners. We need to know what ingredients he’s using, and if he’s doing anything suspicious with the food.’

  ‘Minimal risk,’ I said.

  ‘We’re willing to pay,’ Jess said. ‘Though we’re a bit low on money since buying your new tank, we’re open to requests and will do our best to get you what you want.’

  ‘Did I mention, minimal risk?’

  Jess twitched, then looked up, surprised. ‘He’ll do it.’

  ‘What?’ I looked at Bob in his tank. He’d stopped swimming his circuits and was staring right at us, his orange scales glistening. It might have been my imagination, but I swear he looked less plump and more muscular than he had a few months ago. I guess with everything that had happened, he was changing. I wasn’t just looking at a goldfish, I was looking at a primed and ready member of our agent team, at the peak of his physical and mental abilities. I could see Elle looking over at him from her favourite spot by the coral.

  ‘Bob,’ I whispered. ‘Elle is making proper heart-eyes at you.’

  At that, Elle darted into the coral and Bob went back to swimming his circuits.

  ‘You know she can hear you too, right?’ Jess said. ‘She’s like twenty centimetres away. Talk about ruining a moment.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘My bad. Now, let’s leave these lovefish to it and put together a dossier on Da’Shon.’ I grabbed a bit of paper from the recycling pile that my dad had spilt his coffee on. ‘Perfect. A proper dossier must have a coffee stain.’

  ‘A dossier?’ Jess raised her eyebrows.

  ‘It’s the official name for it, Jessticles, and, as you know, I am a top, professional agent.’

  ‘So what do we know about Da’Shon? Do we even know his last name?’

  ‘Hold on, I’ll ask Mum,’ I said, jumping off my stool. ‘No, scrap that, Mum will think I’m up to something and asking too many questions. I’ll ask Nanny – she’ll never suspect me.’

  I ran into the lounge, where Nanny was watching a quiz show.

  ‘Nanny, what is Da’Shon’s last name?’

  ‘It’s Darola,’ she said, smiling at me. ‘Isn’t it brilliant – Da’Shon Darola – who’d have thought a name like that could exist?’

  ‘Yeah, it is quite swag,’ I said, wondering if there was any way I could make Alex Sparrow sound cooler.

  ‘How long has he been your Zumba teacher for?’ I said.

  ‘Just a few months,’ Nanny said. ‘Our old teacher left suddenly and Da’Shon replaced her. Although none of us were complaining, he’s given us a new lease of life.’

  My agent alert was tingling hard. This was all a bit convenient – almost like it had been set up.

  ‘Do you know where he worked before that?’ I asked.

  ‘I assume at another fitness centre somewhere. Why do you want to know, darling?’

  ‘Um, I’m writing something about inspirational people for school,’ I said, my ear growling. ‘I chose you and Da’Shon.’

  ‘Well, that’s nice,’ she said. ‘Let me know if you need any help.’

  ‘I will, thanks, Nanny.’

  I ran back into the kitchen and made Jess write down everything we knew, then we briefed Bob on the plan.

  ‘Da’Shon makes the dinners every day,’ Jess said. ‘So we’ll plant you in the kitchen tomorrow morning, and collect you when he leaves to make his deliveries.’

  ‘Easy.’ I shrugged. ‘What could go wrong?’

  7

  Finding the Fat

  The next morning, I woke up and thought I’d been run over in my sleep. Every single part of my body was throbbing. Mum seemed annoyingly fine, and my secret respect for the old ladies in the Zumba class grew a touch bigger. Jess’s mum dropped her at my house so we could go to the leisure centre together and execute the plan. Dave had emailed us a map of the centre. Not the standard one you could find on the website – a more detailed one which included all the staff-only areas.

  ‘You know you can’t ever break up with Dave,’ I said. ‘Because I don’t think we could do this without him.’

  ‘Shut up, Alex. Let’s go so we can get Bob in place before it gets too busy.’

  ‘Mum,’ I called. ‘Can me and Jess go to the leisure centre?’

  Mum walked into the kitchen. ‘Have you finished your homework?’

  ‘Technically no,’ I said. ‘But my health should come first, right?’

  ‘You did a whole Zumba class yesterday.’

  ‘That’s not enough, though. I need to be exercising as much as possible. You wouldn’t want me to get ill and die, would you?’

  ‘Of course not, love, and I’m glad you’re taking your health seriously all of a sudden. Even though you’ve never seemed the slightest bit bothered about it before.’

  ‘I’m going to be healthy all the time now, Mum. It’s my new thing.’ I gave her my most truthful face. ‘Now, just let me grab some crisps and you can give us a lift to the leisure centre.’

  ‘Don’t you want to walk?’ Mum said.

  ‘It’s like ten minutes away, and I can’t be bothered.’

  Five minutes later, we were walking up the ramp to the centre, the freezing wind whipping our scarves into our faces and penetrating even the thickest parts of my puffy coat. We’d wrapped Bob’s jar in a fleecy princess blanket that I’d stolen from Lauren’s bed.

  ‘What would happen if the water in Bob’s jar froze?’ I said. ‘Do you think he’d be cryogenically frozen? Then he could be revived in the future, when it’s possible to combine fish and humans, to make a super-race of merpeople.’

  ‘Let’s just concentrate on getting him in and out of the kitchen without him ending up as someone’s lunch, shall we?’

  ‘Affirmative.’ I approached Angel at the counter. ‘Two of your finest passes, please.’

  ‘Passes for what?’

  ‘Passes for what?’ I asked Jess. I hadn’t thought I’d need to be specific.

  ‘Swimming, please,’ she said.

  ‘Four pounds each.’

  I pulled some money out of my wallet and reluctantly handed it over. As Angel took it, I got a better look at her tattoo – it was a tiny black octopus.

  ‘Cool,’ I said, leaning forward to get a better look. Angel quickly pulled her hand back.

  We found a quietish place, behind a big room where a karate lesson was taking place. Jess unzipped the bag.

  ‘Are you OK, Bob?’ she whispered, twitching as he responded and then looking at me in surprise.

  ‘He wants something from us,’ she said.

  ‘I should have known it was too easy. What does he want? I literally have two pounds right now.’

  ‘He wants to talk.’

  ‘To talk? About what?’

  Jess juddered around a bit. ‘Matters of the heart,’ she said. ‘We need somewhere more private.’

  We made our way down the main staircase and along the long corridor past the gym, with the swimming-pool smell getting stronger until we reached the family changing rooms. It was pretty busy, but that was good in a way because there was a lot of noise cover and nobody really paying us any attention. We found two free cubicles next to each other in the far corner of the room. Jess took Bob into one, and I locked myself into the pod next door.

  ‘Oh man, my seat’s wet,’ I said, looking at the watery patch on the bench that meant I couldn’t sit down without getting a soggy bottom.

  ‘Shut up, Alex. Bob needs to talk to us.’

  ‘Is your seat wet, though?’

  ‘No, nice and dry and comfy,’ Jess said, and I swear I could hear her snuggling her bottom into the plastic bench.

  ‘Can we swap?’ I said.

  ‘No chance.’ She snorted.

  ‘My whole body aches from Zumba.’

  ‘Mine too.’

  ‘But you hardly moved through the whole class, how can you possibly be aching? I was working out like a bad-A.’

  ‘I moved a lot!’ Her voice went a bit high and annoyed.

  ‘You were like a slug with a limp, Jess.’ I leaned against the side of the cubicle next to Jess and Bob. ‘So, what’s on your mind, Bob?’

  There was a minute of mostly silence, but with a few squeaks as Jess’s twitching made her slide a little on the bench.

  ‘OK. Bob and Elle are thinking about starting a family. It’s a big step, and Elle has told Bob that she wants to be sure he understands what it will mean, before they take the plunge.’

  ‘Jeez – you’re having kids?!’ I spluttered.

  ‘They’re discussing it,’ Jess said. ‘Bob used to think of himself as a solitary being, like an octopus…’

  ‘Speaking of,’ I interrupted, ‘did you see Angel’s tattoo? We can tick another thing off the awesome movie list.’

  ‘Doesn’t count,’ Jess huffed. ‘And getting back to the point, things have changed for Bob now. He never knew his family – the only family he’s ever spent any time with is yours…’

  ‘I can hear, even through this moist plastic wall, that you have thoughts on my family, Jess.’

  ‘It’s just that all families are different, aren’t they?’