Alex Sparrow and the Zumbie Apocalypse Read online

  ‘Just grabbing something from my room,’ I said, darting past her and up the stairs. Making sure nobody was watching except Mr Prickles, who I could trust with the most secrety secrets in the world, I took my new weapon from its hiding place and put it in my pocket, being careful not to activate it. Mr P had been snoozing in his nest, but he looked up at me with his cute little face as I banged around.

  ‘I really want to take you, Mr Prickles,’ I said, tickling him under his chin, ‘but I have to make sure Mrs Spires isn’t dangerous first. Your prickles aren’t strong enough to protect you yet and I’d never forgive myself if she ate you.’

  He nodded and licked my hand, and I knew he understood. The truth was that I’d been scared to take him out anywhere since he’d been half-killed by Taran. I gave him a handful of hedgehog treats and ran back downstairs.

  Me and Jess strudged down the road towards Mrs Spires’ house. Strudging is the kind of walk you do when you don’t want to go somewhere, and you’re making it take as long as possible, like a slow trudge. Neither of us really wanted to spend time alone with a mean old lady who was probably going to rip our insides out and suck on them for dinner. It was already getting dark, and people’s Christmas lights were flickering on. I usually loved this time of year, but things just felt off.

  ‘As we walk to our destiny, and probably our doom, I want you to know, dear Jessticles, that there’s no one I’d rather have by my side.’

  ‘Why does everything you say sound like a cheesy Hollywood tagline, lately?’ Jess sighed.

  ‘They’ll want all our best lines for the movie.’

  ‘They’ll cut that one, then,’ Jess snorted. She rang Mrs Spires’ doorbell. We heard some shouting and barking coming from behind the front door. As the door opened, we saw Snuffles’ scraggly bottom scampering up the stairs.

  ‘Oh, it’s you two,’ Mrs Spires said, in a very anti-climaxy way. ‘You’d better come in.’

  We followed her down the hall and into her lounge. I used my super-agent eyes to assess Mrs Spires from behind.

  ‘Is she walking funny?’ I whispered to Jess. ‘Dragging her leg a bit?’

  ‘She’s not a zombie,’ Jess whispered back.

  ‘Sit down.’ Mrs Spires pointed to the sofa. ‘I’ll get you a glass of milk. It’s been in my fridge for days and starting to turn. Don’t want to waste it.’

  ‘Err, thanks?’ I said.

  ‘Why is Snuffles upstairs?’ Jess looked around the room. ‘He’s usually in here in his special chair.’

  ‘Stupid dog won’t come near me since I got back from hospital.’ Mrs Spires tutted as she left the room.

  I nudged Jess. ‘He knows.’

  Mrs Spires put our glasses on coasters on the table and stood by the TV, which was turned on with the volume right up.

  ‘Don’t you need to sit down, Mrs Spires?’ Jess said.

  ‘I’m not dead, you know. I’ve never felt better.’

  She sort of rubbed against the TV in a way that made me uncomfortable.

  ‘I’ll be back at Zumba tomorrow,’ she said. ‘I need to catch up on all the gossip I’ve missed.’ She walked to the corner and bent over to switch on a lamp. ‘I heard Mamie had a turn. They thought they’d lost her – out for ten minutes ’til they brought her back in the ambulance,’ Mrs Spires said, turning on another lamp. ‘Of course, she’s only in the beginners’ class, so she probably overdid it.’

  ‘Two people collapsing in Zumba,’ I said. ‘That’s a strange coincidence.’

  ‘Three people,’ Mrs Spires said. ‘Pat from the Tuesday class went down too.’

  ‘Is she OK?’ Jess said.

  ‘Right as rain. Only technically dead for a second. Drink your milk up.’

  I put my glass to my mouth and pretended to take a sip. No way was I swallowing gone-off milk.

  ‘I heard Mamie had a turn,’ said Mrs Spires, turning on the radio. ‘They thought they’d lost her.’

  Me and Jess looked at each other. Mrs Spires wandered out of the room, muttering, ‘Beginners’ class. Probably overdid it.’

  ‘Mrs Spires, I’m just going to check on Snuffles,’ Jess called out.

  I nudged Jess hard in the ribs. ‘Don’t leave me,’ I mouthed.

  Jess shrugged. ‘Keep her distracted,’ she whispered, and walked off.

  I tipped my mouldy milk into a plant pot but left Jess’s on the table. I zipped up my coat as Mrs Spires came back into the room with a toaster.

  ‘Aren’t you cold?’ I said. ‘It’s usually really hot in your house but it’s freezing right now. Aren’t your radiators working?’

  ‘Gas boiler,’ she said. ‘Working fine, just don’t need it on. I don’t feel cold. You probably need to drink more milk.’

  ‘I’m good, thanks,’ I said, watching with a really horrible feeling as she plugged in the toaster. I put my hand in my pocket and squeezed my weapon.

  With the radio and TV on loud, I didn’t notice Jess coming back until she was in the room. She gave me a look.

  ‘We should probably get going, Mrs Spires,’ I said. ‘If you’re sure you’re OK.’

  ‘Do you want a doctor’s note or something? I’m in perfect health,’ she snapped, walking out of the room and returning with a kettle.

  My ear said she was telling the truth, but my eyes were telling me that something was seriously up.

  ‘Kettle?’ Jess mouthed at me behind Mrs Spires’ back.

  I rolled my eyes across to the toaster, which was on the carpet next to the lit-up Christmas tree. Jess’s eyes got super-wide.

  ‘Not enough poxy sockets,’ Mrs Spires said, dangling the wire of the kettle from her hand. ‘I’d better get down the shops and buy an extension lead. You two will have to go.’

  ‘Um, OK,’ I said, jumping off the sofa.

  ‘Did you want some milk before you leave? It’s been in my fridge for days and starting to turn. Don’t want to waste it.’

  ‘I’ve finished mine,’ I said. ‘Jess hasn’t, though. She’s so wasteful.’

  ‘Kids these days have no idea of the value of things,’ Mrs Spires tutted, picking a lamp off the sideboard and stroking her face with it.

  ‘Bye, Mrs Spires,’ Jess said. I was one step ahead of her, practically running down the hall.

  As soon as the door was shut behind us, I turned to Jess. ‘She’s eaten him, hasn’t she?’

  ‘Eaten who?’

  ‘Snuffles. I saw your face when you came downstairs.’

  ‘No, she hasn’t eaten him, dummy.’

  ‘Then what was the face for? I know your resting, moody face, and this was different.’

  ‘Snuffles was scared. He kept saying that she’s not the same. She smells funny. That she’s come back different.’

  ‘Do you know what this means?’

  ‘Alex, she isn’t a zombie – she didn’t try to eat us.’

  ‘You’re disappointed, I can tell,’ I said.

  ‘Why would I be disappointed that Mrs Spires didn’t try to eat us?’ Jess’s voice went really high.

  ‘Let’s not give up hope yet, Jessticles.’

  ‘So we’re hoping that she tries to eat us?

  ‘Of course, because, one – she was dead and now she’s not, and two – her beloved pet dog no longer recognises her as the owner he used to adore. These are both classic symptoms of zombieism.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘And it would be so boring if Mrs Spires was just a normal zombie – the kind you see every day…’

  ‘We’ve literally never seen a…’

  ‘So we get the added bonus of some intriguing new crazy behaviours: one – repeating half of what she said, in exactly the same way, over and over again without realising.’

  ‘She did seem to be stuck in some kind of loop,’ Jess sighed.

  ‘And two…’ I held up two gloved fingers ‘…the plugging in everything electrical and rubbing herself against it like a cat. That was my favourite part.’

  ‘Favourite?’ Jess snorted. ‘You were terrified.’

  ‘A good agent allows himself just the right amount of fear to ensure that he is always alert. What you saw was me being an awesome agent, not me freaking out.’

  That created an especially manurery fart.

  ‘Why, though? Why would she stroke her face with a lamp?’ Jess said, as I rang my front doorbell.

  ‘That, my twitching teammate, is what we need to find out. Do you know what this is?’ I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, a mission, blah, blah, blah.’

  ‘Though it is ever so cold outside, Jessticles, you talking that way has filled my heart with warmth.’

  ‘That one’s definitely not making it into the movie.’ She rolled her eyes.

  ‘Too cringe?’

  ‘Like, a million times over.’

  ‘But it’s Christmas!’

  My mum opened the door with a hundred questions about Mrs Spires, and our mission talk was over for the day.

  4

  Bothering Miss Fortress

  ‘Can’t this wait? I only have ten minutes left of break and I need more coffee.’

  Me and Jess looked at each other.

  Miss Fortress had been in a really stinky mood lately, but today seemed especially bad. I decided not to mention the fact that she already had a full cup of coffee in her hand.

  ‘We wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t life or death stuff, Miss,’ I said, trying to do cute puppy eyes like my little sister does to my mum.

  ‘Did you contract a rare, life-threatening disease that causes the sufferer to develop crazed facial expressions?’

  ‘Err no.’ (Note for the Agent Alex handbook – need to practise my adorable face in the mirror before I wheel it out in public again.) ‘But it is
a sort of medical thing.’

  ‘You should make an appointment with your GP. I’m not that type of doctor.’

  ‘Would you just get over yourself for a minute and listen?’ Jess shouted suddenly, thumping her hand down on the desk. ‘This is important and we need your help.’

  Miss Fortress looked up, clearly trying to decide whether to tell Jess off, or actually listen to what we had to say. It was a tense moment. Finally, she put her cup down and sighed. ‘Go on.’

  I tried to think of a way to sum it up so we could get the conversation done quickly and not pee her off any more than we already had. ‘So, basically, there’s a zombie invasion starting and we need to know what to do.’

  ‘Jess,’ Miss Fortress said, not looking the slightest bit alarmed. ‘Maybe you should tell me.’

  I huffed and plonked myself down in a chair. No doubt Jess would find the boringest way ever to tell it.

  ‘Alex and I went to the funeral of an old lady we knew. She collapsed in Zumba and they thought she’d had a heart attack. During the funeral there was a knocking from inside her coffin and it turns out she was alive.’

  ‘That is unusual,’ Miss Fortress said, ‘but not unheard of. Probably some poor doctor made a mistake after a forty-hour shift.’

  ‘But she’s not the only one,’ Jess said. ‘Two other ladies…’

  ‘That we know of, Jessticles, that we know of,’ I said.

  ‘…have also suddenly collapsed in Zumba classes and been technically dead for at least a few seconds before coming back.’

  ‘Could be a coincidence,’ Miss Fortress said. ‘I’ve never been to a Zumba class, but I understand they’re physically demanding.’

  ‘How can they be demanding?’ I said. ‘My mum and nanny do it. It’s just a bit of swaying about, they hardly even move off the spot.’

  ‘For someone who’s been proven wrong many times, your blind confidence that you’re always right is almost impressive,’ Miss Fortress said.

  ‘I know, right?’ I smiled.

  Jess did a hard eye-roll. ‘But there’s a bit more to it. We spent some time with Mrs Spires, the lady…’

  ‘Zombie,’ I whispered.

  ‘…the lady who came back to life at her funeral, and there were a few things that didn’t seem right.’

  ‘Did she suddenly start finding Alex’s jokes hilarious?’ Miss Fortress said.

  ‘Ooh, sick burn,’ I held my fist up. ‘Knuckles for that, Miss F.’

  Miss Fortress ignored me.

  ‘She kept repeating herself, but not in the usual forgetful way that people do sometimes. It was more like…’

  ‘She was stuck in a memory loop,’ I said. ‘And that wasn’t even the weirdest thing.’

  ‘Her dog wouldn’t go anywhere near her. When I spoke to him he seemed really scared – he said she smelt strange and that she was different somehow.’

  ‘And then there’s the absolute best weird part,’ I said.

  ‘She had everything electrical in the house switched on. She brought most of her appliances into the lounge, and she was…’

  ‘Rubbing herself on them,’ I said.

  ‘She was what?’ Miss Fortress finally looked surprised.

  ‘Like a cat against someone with a pocket full of fish,’ I said.

  ‘Gross,’ Jess said. ‘But true.’

  ‘That does sound odd.’ Miss Fortress frowned. ‘I can’t think what could have caused it. I’ll look into it but, in the meantime, I suggest you investigate.’

  ‘Yesssss!’ I jumped out of my chair, bumping the desk and knocking over Miss Fortress’s coffee. ‘Oh fudge,’ I said.

  ‘For goodness’ sake,’ Miss Fortress said, and she didn’t even shout like usual. She said it all quietly and sadly, and looked like she was going to cry.

  ‘Sorry, Miss,’ I said.

  ‘Wait there,’ she sniffed, wiping at the spilt coffee with the class art-project pictures. ‘I’m getting more coffee; I’ll be back in a minute.’

  She left the room without throwing anything at us.

  ‘She doesn’t seem right at the moment,’ I said to Jess as we sat in the empty classroom.

  ‘Yeah, it’s like she’s lost her spark.’

  ‘Do you think the fact that she replaced her chewed-up Science Is Sexy travel cup with a unicorn one is a bad sign?’

  ‘Of course it’s a bad sign. She HATES mythical creatures. She must have just picked up the first one she saw in the shop.’

  ‘The other day I walked in unexpectedly, and I swear she was talking to a picture.’

  ‘What picture?’

  ‘The one she has as her screensaver, of the guy who plays Superman wearing a really tight jumper.’ I pulled a bag of Percy Pigs out of my pocket and put two in my mouth.

  ‘Did you know Percy Pigs are vegan?’ Jess said.

  ‘Oh, are they? You can have some if you like.’ I’d chosen them deliberately because they’re vegan and I could share them with Jess. I didn’t want her to know that, though. I had my hard-man reputation to think about.

  ‘Well, it’s obvious what’s wrong with her, isn’t it?’ Jess said, chewing on a sweet.

  ‘I thought so, but I didn’t want to say.’

  ‘We’ll have to try to think of something we can do about it,’ Jess sighed.

  ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan. We just need some strong rope, a bottle of holy water and an online course about how to become a priest.’

  Jess looked at me in what seemed suspiciously like disgust. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

  ‘For the exorcism, obvs.’

  ‘Err, why?’

  I was starting to think that me and Jess weren’t thinking the same thing at all. ‘Because she’s possessed by an evil spirit. That’s what’s wrong with her, right?’

  ‘Oh god, Alex, just when I think you can’t get any more deluded!’

  ‘Do you have a better theory?’ I said.

  ‘Err, yes. She’s stressed about Montgomery McMonaghan maybe finding out where she is.’

  I nodded. They had serious beef because she ditched him when he turned evil, and he was a dangerous son of a biscuit. ‘He’d totally game-end her if he found her.’

  ‘She’s disappointed because her invention to combine our powers failed.’

  ‘I’d be raging about that, too, it was a disaster.’ I shook my head.

  ‘And, most of all, I think she’s lonely. As long as she’s hiding from McMonaghan and living with a secret identity, she can’t have any friends, or speak to her family. I bet she misses them.’

  As much as I hated to admit it, that did make sense.

  Miss Fortress came back into the room with a full cup, and I decided to take action.

  ‘You know, Miss, my mum and nanny go to Zumba classes, so this investigation is important to me.’

  ‘Ah,’ she said. ‘I can understand that. You need to look for connections – what do all of the victims have in common?’

  ‘So, there’s the Zumba, obviously,’ said Jess.

  ‘Are they all in the same class?’ Miss Fortress clung to her coffee cup like it was life.

  ‘No, different classes, but all at the new leisure centre,’ Jess said, not following my lead in spite of the looks I was giving her.

  ‘You should start there, then,’ Miss Fortress said.