Alex Sparrow and the Zumbie Apocalypse Read online

  ‘We could go with Mum and Nanny to their class next time,’ I said. ‘Just to watch, obviously, and see what we can find out.’ I side-eyed Miss Fortress. ‘I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them – I don’t know what I’d do without my mum.’

  ‘You spend half your life moaning about your mum,’ Jess snorted.

  ‘Well, mums can be so annoying,’ I said. ‘What’s your mum like, Miss?’

  ‘Over-protective, fusses too much, cooks me dinners that are far too big…’ she sighed. ‘I really miss her.’

  ‘When was the last time you saw her?’ Jess said.

  ‘I haven’t been home to Singapore for six years,’ Miss Fortress said. ‘When I met Montgomery McMonaghan and we started working together on ways of enhancing the human brain, we were totally engrossed in our research and each other. We lived in a wonderful bubble. I Skyped my mum, of course, and my brother and sister, but I wish I’d taken the time to visit.’

  She took a massive gulp of coffee.

  ‘What about friends?’ I said. ‘Who did you hang out with when you weren’t working?’

  ‘Only each other,’ Miss Fortress said.

  ‘Didn’t Montgomery McMonaghan have any friends or family?’

  ‘He had a mother and father, but he was an only child. He used to visit his mother once a week – they were very close – but his relationship with his father was more complicated, so he waited until his dad was out of the house before visiting.’

  ‘Didn’t you ever go with him?’ Jess said.

  ‘No, I sensed that he’d rather go alone. His time with his mother was precious to him. And when she passed away, that’s when he started to change.’

  ‘Why didn’t you go home to your family?’ I said.

  ‘By the time I realised that he wanted to use our research to do unspeakably evil things, it was far too dangerous. I knew he’d be desperate to find me and that my home was the first place he’d look. Going there would put me and my family in danger. My only option was to disappear without saying a word to them. My poor mum doesn’t know if I’m dead or alive.’

  An actual tear spilled out of the corner of her eye. She quickly wiped it away with her sleeve, but it was an awful sight. Imagine your teacher crying – nobody wants to see that.

  ‘How long ago was that?’ Jess said.

  ‘Almost two years ago now.’

  ‘You haven’t spoken to anyone who knows you in two years?’ I said. ‘That’s awful! What do you do at home?’

  ‘I scan the police radio frequencies to listen out for anything suspicious. I recognise all the different officers’ voices now, so it’s almost like I know them.’

  ‘Ooh, anything exciting?’ I said.

  ‘Just a spate of burglaries, and they’re keeping an eye on a released convict who’s just returned to the area. Also, I think there’s something romantic going on between two of the officers who I have given the names Jack and Rose.’ Her face got all excited.

  ‘You must be really lonely, Miss,’ I said.

  ‘Other than Monty, there was only one person in this country that I really cared about, and I had to…’

  She turned her head so we couldn’t see her face, but her shoulders were shaking like she was properly crying. ‘You’d better go,’ she said. ‘The bell will ring soon.’

  ‘So what are we thinking?’ I said, as we sat next to our best mate, Darth Daver, on the Reflection bench for the last five minutes of break.

  ‘When’s your mum’s next Zumba class?’ Jess said, trying to fix her scarf so that it covered every bit of her neck.

  ‘Saturday morning, I think. Maybe we could go before our shift at the animal sanctuary.’ We’d started helping at the sanctuary when we were investigating the weird animal disappearances and had stayed on after because it was actually really cool. It’s also where I’d met Mr P, so I felt like I owed them. After Rex and his mum had helped all the animals from the SPARC animal experiment lab, the sanctuary had been given loads of donations. They had another full-time worker there, so they didn’t need much help, but we still went in a couple of times a week.

  ‘Yeah, let’s do that,’ Jess said. ‘At least it will be warm in the leisure centre.’

  ‘That’s ages away, though,’ I said.

  ‘Alex, it’s like tomorrow,’ Jess huffed, and a puff of white steamed out of her nostrils.

  ‘But we need to do more now. I don’t want my mum or nanny turning into a zombie. And – I have no idea how yet – but I reckon Montgomery McMonaghan is involved in this somehow.’

  ‘There’s no evidence to suggest that, is there?’ Dave (aka Darth Daver) said.

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘but that’s probably because we have no evidence at all. And remember Montgomery McMonaghan knows about us now. He recognised us at the lab when we got all the animals out of there. It’s only a matter of time before he makes his move against us.’

  We sat shivering in silence for a moment.

  ‘Miss Fortress said to find the connections,’ Jess said. ‘What do we know about the Zumba teacher?’

  ‘Can you hack the Zumba teacher, Dave?’ I was starting to get excited.

  ‘Considering we don’t even know the Zumba teacher’s name, I’m thinking that’s one of the stupidest questions you’ve ever asked,’ Jess said.

  ‘But we could find out easily. I’ll see if Mum or Nanny know.’

  ‘Asking your nanny someone’s name is going to make an exciting scene for your movie.’

  ‘I’ll throw in a few forward rolls and some martial arts moves,’ I said. ‘It’ll be great.’

  ‘Who’s going to play you in the movie?’ Dave said.

  ‘I shall be playing myself, of course. I am a talented actor, as well as being an amazing secret agent.’

  ‘And who will play…’

  ‘Don’t you dare ask him, Dave.’ Jess gave him one of her most scary looks.

  Dave looked back at her and smiled. ‘…Jess?’

  Jess whacked him in the arm.

  ‘I’m glad you asked, David,’ I said. ‘I’ve given this a great deal of thought and have come to the conclusion that no actor could possibly match Jess’s death-stare ability, wildlife-enclosure hair or teeny-tiny stature. So Jess will have to be CGI’d in.’

  Dave cracked up, while Jess gave him the stink-eye.

  ‘We could get that guy who played Gollum in The Lord of the Rings to do the motion-capture stuff,’ I added, enjoying the violent shade of bright pink that flooded Jess’s cheeks.

  5

  Deeper Undercover Than

  We Wanted To Be

  ‘Please, Mum,’ I said. ‘We’ll be really good and not get in the way at all.’

  ‘I just can’t understand why you want to go,’ Mum said, looking around for her car keys that I had hidden in the porch to buy us more time to win her over. ‘You’ve never shown the slightest interest before.’

  ‘I was interested,’ I said, keeping a bit of distance so she wouldn’t smell the fartiness coming out of my ear. ‘But I was worried that going to Zumba would make me look weak and girlish.’

  ‘Zumba is neither weak nor girlish,’ Mum said, emptying her handbag on to the floor.

  ‘I know that now. I was a victim of toxic masculinity spread by the media.’ Jess had made me practise that part a lot.

  ‘If that’s true, Alex,’ Mum said. ‘Why do I think you just want to go so you can take the mick?’

  ‘I’m hurt that you have such a low opinion of me, Mother,’ I said, desperately trying to think of some way to change her mind.

  ‘The truth is, Mrs Sparrow…’ Jess jumped in, and I really hoped she knew where she was going with this ‘…since the situation with Mrs Spires, Alex has been worried about you and his nan going to Zumba class in case the same thing happens to you.’

  My ear didn’t fart and my mum stopped rummaging and gave me a squeeze. It was annoying that while my lies failed miserably, Jess’s boring truth-telling saved the day.

  ‘Oh, Alex, love,’ she said. ‘Nanny and I will be absolutely fine, I promise. But if you want to come and watch for reassurance, then I’ll take you. If I ever find my keys.’

  ‘I think I might have accidentally seen them in the porch, in Lauren’s right ladybird welly, behind the big umbrella in the corner,’ I said, sitting on the bottom stair to put my trainers on.

  ‘Right,’ Mum said, opening the porch door. ‘Let’s go then, shall we? We need to pick up Nanny on the way.’

  Soon we were in the car outside Nanny’s house. I got out and knocked for her while Mum and Jess waited in the car. Nanny was wearing tracksuit bottoms with purple stripes down the sides, and a matching hooded top. I was really glad she wasn’t wearing tight leggings – it was bad enough seeing those on my mum.

  ‘Alex, what are you doing here?’ she said, leaning forward to give me a hug.

  ‘I’m coming to Zumba to keep an eye on you, Nanny,’ I said, knowing how adorable she found my cheekiness.

  ‘Ooh, the others are going to be so jealous.’ Her face lit up. ‘I have the most handsome and thoughtful grandson in the world.’

  The leisure centre was a massive grey building, still new and shiny-looking because it only opened a couple of years ago. We had to walk up a long, winding ramp to the entrance, which was next to the outside swimming pool. It was brilliant in the summer when everyone from school was there, and we played giant games of swim-tag where we had to dive off the inflatables and hit each other with beach balls. But in the winter it looked like a scene out of an apocalyptic movie when the people are all gone, and packs of dogs roam the land, scavenging for human body parts.

  ‘I would love to push you in there, Alex,’ Jess said, looking at the pool a bit too longingly for my liking. I moved away from her and a bit closer to Nanny, who I knew would protect me if things turned bad.

  ‘Can you imagine how cold it would be in there, right now?’ Nanny said. ‘I wouldn’t swim in there for a million pounds and a date with Alan Titchmarsh.’

  I tried not to think about that as the huge glass doors swished open, letting a whoosh of warmth on to my face.

  ‘Two for Zumba, please,’ my mum said to the lady at the counter, who looked really bored and was trying to play games on her phone under the desk.

  ‘What about the kids?’ she said, glancing up at me and Jess.

  ‘They’re just watching,’ Mum said.

  ‘Can’t let them through the barriers unless they have a pass,’ said the lady, whose name badge said she was called Angel. ‘So that’s sixteen pounds for the four of you.’ She printed out the tickets and Nanny took them, leaving Mum to scrape around in her purse for some cash.

  ‘Come on, you two,’ Nanny said. ‘I’ll take you to the studio.’

  We followed Nanny through the turnstiles and down some stairs. To get to the studio we had to walk through a proper gym area, where people were doing stuff on all those machines like you see on TV and the movies. There were the ones people run on, and ones where people had to pull down on bars. One guy was lying on a bench, lifting up an enormous weight, with sweat dripping down the sides of his head. Everything smelt of exercise and rubber.

  At the back of the gym, Nanny led us through a door that said ‘Studio 3’, and into a room with a wooden floor and mirrors covering one of the walls. At the front of the room was what I can only describe as a man-giant, with a glistening brown body made of pure muscle, a vest so tight it would have been too small for my little sister, and pulled-up sports socks whiter than Simon Cowell’s teeth.

  ‘We’ve come to the wrong studio, Nanny,’ I said. ‘This must be The Rock body-double club.’

  ‘You can’t look like that in here.’ The man-giant was pointing at Jess.

  ‘Oh, that’s her normal face – she really can’t help it,’ I said.

  ‘I mean the footwear,’ man-giant said. ‘I’m not feeling those boots for Zumba. You need something you can flex in.’

  ‘I’m not dancing,’ Jess said, turning red in the face.

  ‘You guys paid for passes?’

  Jess nodded, looking like she wanted to disappear into the floor.

  ‘Then you are dancing, my friends.’ He pinged the elastic on his shorts and took a swig from his drink bottle. ‘But not in those. You need to get some kicks on, girl.’

  ‘Da’Shon, this is my grandson, Alex, and his friend, Jess.’ Nanny beamed, just as Mum walked into the studio, followed by a stream of other ladies.

  ‘Alex and Jess,’ Da’Shon said, ‘you are most welcome here at Da’Shon’s Diamond Zumba. Alex, you’re fine in what you’ve got on. Can anyone lend Jess here some shoes so she can get her dance on?’

  ‘She looks about my size,’ a lady said. ‘She can borrow my spares.’ She handed Jess a pair of neon pink trainers. Jess looked at them in horror. ‘Don’t worry, duck, they’ve had odour eaters in them all week, so the smell should have gone by now.’

  ‘Thanks, Eileen,’ Da’Shon said. ‘And welcome back, Rose – you gave us a bit of a scare but we should have known you’d be back, you tough old girl.’

  Everyone laughed and clapped while Mrs Spires tutted and told Eileen that she didn’t like her new hair.

  ‘Alex.’ Jess pulled me into a corner while the ladies chatted and took their coats off. ‘I can’t do this.’

  ‘I know it’s not the coolest,’ I said. ‘But no one from school is going to see us.’

  ‘I mean it, Alex. I can’t.’

  ‘Listen, Jess, if this bunch of old ladies can do Zumba, it’s got to be easier than catching a weedle on Pokemon Go.’

  Jess looked like she was going to puke.

  ‘Also, if we join in, we’ll earn their trust, which will be better for the mission.’

  She did a little swallow, which I’m pretty sure was because she’d vomited in her mouth.

  ‘Look, we’ll stay at the back, OK. Just do your best.’ I patted her on the arm. ‘Now change into Eileen’s smelly trainers and let’s get this done.’

  Jess’s eyes widened as she looked over my shoulder. ‘Are you sure you want to be in the back?’ she smirked.

  ‘Why? What is it?’ I said, turning around to see what she was staring at. ‘Sweet balls of fudge,’ I gasped, unable to look away from the horror in front of me. The Zumba ladies were all lined up, ready to start the class. Some of them wore tracksuit bottoms and T-shirts, but lots of them were in leggings and vests, with rainbow-coloured fitness bands on their wrists. Some of them were wearing crop tops. My nanny was wearing a crop top. I don’t want to sound ageist but, honestly, who wants to see their nanny’s bare stomach skin? Nobody, that’s who. Goddamn nobody. And when the music started for the warm-up, things went from bad to full-on, end-of-the-world, disaster mode. There was jiggling, my friends. Lots and lots of jiggling.

  ‘Come on, ladies, let’s see that slide ‘n’ tap,’ Da’Shon shouted from the front, while demonstrating with the vigour of an alpha tiger. There were about twenty ladies in the class, and one man, who must have been even older than my nanny. They started to dance.

  I decided the best thing to do was to focus on Da’Shon and throw myself into the Zumba. So, as the music played, I shrugged in my head and started to slide and tap with them. Jess was on my left, swaying slightly, her feet barely leaving the floor. I guess she needed a bit of time to get into it.

  ‘Now, let’s get those arms swingin’ in four, three, two…’ Da’Shon swished his arms with a swag that made me jealous, and the rest of the class copied. Then he added in a spin and some extra footwork and everyone followed without missing a step. In the corner of my eye, I could see my mum in the second row. I hated to say it but she was actually quite good. I glanced over at Jess again, and she was sort of shuffling around, tripping over herself, and flapping her hands a bit. It was hilarious.

  At the end of the song, we all stopped for a few seconds, and everyone smiled around at each other and took a swig of water.

  ‘Nice warm-up.’ Da’Shon clapped his hands. ‘And now on to the juicy part. As you all know, Zumba groups across London are planning a joint world record-breaking attempt for the biggest flash Zumba dance ever.’

  Everyone started chatting, like they were dead excited.

  ‘I have just had the ping,’ Da’Shon said. ‘The flash is going to take place here in Cherry Tree Lane within the next two weeks.’

  There were gasps around the room.

  ‘So, we have got to get learning that routine,’ Da’Shon said, and everyone cheered. ‘I’m gonna be working you hard, so I don’t wanna hear no complaining, and I don’t wanna hear no crying. I’m looking at you, Alan.’

  Everyone laughed and Alan pretended to get a tissue out of his pocket and rub his eyes.

  Part of me thought that I should be thinking about how embarrassing the whole thing was. But a bigger part of me was thinking that it was actually quite fun and funny and that I had a warm feeling in my heart. Probably because it was Christmas.

  ‘We are going to be dancing our tushies off to All I Want for Christmas is You by the diva that is Mariah Carey,’ Da’Shon said. ‘It’s a Christmas classic and we are going to do it the justice it deserves. Here we go, and you newbies in the back, do your best to keep up.’

  So then we started to learn the routine. Now I’m not one for making excuses, as you know, but I have to point out that it’s a fast song, and I’m an inexperienced Zumba-er, and I was trying to keep an eye on Mrs Spires, who was picking up the routine faster than anyone else in the class. Fifteen minutes later and I was dripping with sweat.